Anderson Interviews: Biden on finding solace in grief

I don’t have a lot of pictures of Carter on display in my house. His death is still so painful to me that I find it hard to look at his photos. In the box, I found a Polaroid and a black and white print that were taken shortly before he graduated from Princeton. He is staring into the camera, smiling. He looks so young and happy. There’s no hint that 15 months later, he would kill himself in front of our mom.

I’d seen these photos before, but this time I really studied them: his face, that smile, the gentleness of his features. It was like I was seeing him for the first time, and it made me weep.

I didn’t recognize my own brother, and I realize now that I didn’t really know him. I didn’t allow myself to, and I didn’t allow him to know me. Carter was 12 when my dad died, and I was 10. Rather than bring us together, my father’s death slapped us both into stunned silence. We retreated into ourselves, burying our sadness and fear. We never spoke about my dad with each other, or with my mom, or with anyone. I think my brother would be alive if we had.

I  didn’t recognize my own brother, and I realize now that I didn’t really know him. I didn’t allow myself to, and I didn’t allow him to know me. Carter was 12 when my dad died, and I was 10. Rather than bring us together, my father’s death slapped us both into stunned silence. We retreated into ourselves, burying our sadness and fear. We never spoke about my dad with each other, or with my mom, or with anyone. I think my brother would be alive if we had.

Why is it so hard to talk about loss and grief? We all go through it, so why do we keep it hidden away, cry in private, speak the names of our dead loved ones in hushed whispers only we can hear? That’s what I’ve done my entire life, and I see now the price I’ve paid.

That’s one reason I wanted to talk with President Biden about grief. He’s been more open than any sitting US president about the deaths he’s experienced and the grief he still lives with. More than 15 American presidents have lost children, but few of them spoke publicly about it – especially when they were in the White House. Even in modern times, the list is startling. Franklin Roosevelt, Dwight Eisenhower, John F. Kennedy, Ronald Reagan and George H.W. Bush all lived through the death of a child. President Biden has lost two: His son Beau died of cancer in 2015, and his 13-month-old daughter, Naomi, was killed in a car crash in 1972, along with his first wife, Neilia.

I hope hearing the President talk about grief will encourage others to talk about their own grief, as well. It helps to talk. I know that now.

The interview took place at the White House on November 7. When I got there, two chairs had been placed in the library for me and the President to sit in. We would be across from each other at some distance. It was a standard setup for an interview with the President, but it seemed too formal to me. I asked if they would bring a table we could sit at, something we could lean forward on and, if the President was so inclined, talk more intimately, face to face. They brought the table in. We arranged the microphones. And then the President appeared. We shook hands. He sat down, and we began to speak.

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If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts or mental health matters, please call the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988 to connect with a trained counselor, or visit the 988 Lifeline website.

(Source: CNN)