A Story About Walking Away From The Lord

I haven’t written in Now’ The Time in a long time; mostly because I haven’t been living the life I encourage and promote on this site.

I’ve been drinking liquor from sun up to sun down for months continuously, so much so that I’ve neglected my daily responsibilities and I’ve pushed away anyone that tried to love me. I even pushed away my best friend who eventually became my girlfriend for almost seven years. I’ve been dating alcohol and neglecting my mental health concerns instead of her, and everyone else I loved, work with, etc. eventually after all those years she left me. I felt abandoned. Instead of mourning and trying to work things out with my girlfriend I went on a bender again. The result was the las straw for my now ex girlfriend and I don’t blame her anymore. She’s moved on and now that I’m sober for a week and a half and am in rehab again I have to feel the pain of missing her and the pain of mistreating her at times, I even have to relieve childhood trauma and abandonment issues in rehab and therapy. I cry now sometimes. I used to use alcohol to mourn. Without it I feel all the pain and regret right now all at once. I want to leave this rehab because it’s involves bringing up the traumas and bad memories I’ve been trying to avoid since I was a kid.

My ex girlfriend and I broke up because she loved me and because of my past. I appreciated people who showed me love and then I realized those people who say they love me leave and it hurts. I pushed my ex away and she stayed, i did it again and again and she stayed, I did it one more time and she left for good. I’m happy that she’s free from me. She’s working on herself right now to get better for herself.

We are a part probably for good. I’m working on myself now too, and it’s not easy; especially without alcohol – without alcohol I have to feel all my pain. I’ve cried everyday since I got sober. I mistreated her by walking away and disappearing.

I’m so sad now.

I have a whole in my heart! I wonder if it will ever be filled again.

I miss Stephanie so much, missing Stephanie now is like missing something you cherished and lost and will probably never find again.

I am a believer in God and I’ve neglected him for years. I put so much before Him. God left us with the Holy Spirit when Jesus died on the cross. The Holy Spirit is with us everyday right here on earth. If we let Him he can rest, rule, and endure with us. I’ve ignored Him for far too long. Alcohol is a spirit too, and I’ve allowed the spirit of alcohol to rest, rule, and endure with me. This is what the Devil wants for us, to turn away from the Holy Spirit and be lead by the Devil’s sprit instead which includes the spirit of alcohol, drugs, debauchery and more. It all seems fun until it all comes crashing down and if you’re lucky at least your alive; but you have to face the consequences (like me) and they are never good. In my I’ve lost good jobs, a good adopted family (the only people I knew when I moved to California 7) years ago), I lost my best friend, I’ve lost my girlfriend of seven years, I put alcohol before all these things.

I’ve know I’ve had an issue with alcohol for years. I’ve gone to rehab before, I even spent most of 2023 in rehab., I have an addiction to alcohol. It’s the worst it’s ever been I’m so ashamed of all that I’ve done to my loved ones and myself due to this addiction. I’ve neglected my soul! So I stoped trying to fight my addiction and turned to everything bad that I’ve searched for and that’s has introduced me to bad things to me – anything to hide from the shame I felt from God and anything that would avoid the pain and hurt and loneliness I felt since my ex and I broke up. I had a beautiful girlfriend in my and to try to over up the hurt I invited the first girls I could find and that led to substances beyond alcohol that would allow me to escape even further. The morning after she left I thought I was going to die in my apartment by myself and no one would know. I closed my eyes, feeling horrible for how Ive been behaving lately and I wanted to die because I wanted to sleep and never wake up again – that’s how much gilt I felt.

My point is the Devil can make things seem fun for a while, but if you let him drive eventually he’ll crash and he’ll be the only survivor and he’ll walk away and find another group of souls to ride with until they crash. He’ll keep doing it and he’s been doing it for millenniums – that’s how much of a pussy ass fuck boy he is. He’s laughing at me now because I followed him until I made a foul of myself.

But I’m getting help now. I want to leave every day from rehab because they want to talk about my trauma, they want to talk about my abandonment issues, they want to talk about my sexual abuse and mental healthy issues and of course, they want allow me to drink away my pain and memories

I’m talking to God again now. I apologized for walking away with him when He was right there loving me, by my side. He was my first love. Thankfully he’s a loving and forgiving God and promised that He will never leave nor forsake (desert) us. I’m thankful for that!

I forgot that I have a good soul. I was born with a good soul, I just ignored it for a very long time.

Stephanie and I were a good couple when I was sober, but I was barely sober. I believe we could have a healthy relationship when I get sober. I hope we date again someday, but that’s not promised. I miss her so much! Go on with your life, take care of yourself, and better yourself, you already accomplished so much. I will always love you no matter what. You were my angel at times. You were a gift from God,

I’m working to to stop drinking alcohol and all the bad it leads to and all the worldly things it leads to. I’m making progress. Back when Jesus walked the earth in the flesh, years before he was crucified and rose again he was tempted by things all of us are tempted with on earth, drugs, sex, alcohol, etc. One day he was tempted and said “I’m about my Father’s business” – meaning He was put on the this earth to serve the His Father (Lord), and Jesus turned away from temptation. He was focused. I believe in living as Jesus a my role model. I too need to be about my heavenly Father’s business and turn away from the evi that lead to drukedness.

The other day I was reminded of a verse in the Bible that said ” Set your minds on things above (Godly things), not on earthly things (like drugs, sex, alcholo, etc.)

Colossians 3:2 NIV

Have a good day.