Goodbye (how to get over)
We all have a reason why we decide to drink or decide not to drink, it’s a decision we can choose to make – and I’m no different. This is a post about my decision.
In college, at 20, I decided to drink for the first time; much to my closest friend’s surprise – ’cause Danny would never drink. See I had reached a major turning point in my life my world had just turned upside down unexpectedly, and basketball, the outlet I had used to process trauma, emotions, and feelings was stripped away when basketball was done with me. It was my first major breakup! I sought help and thought I found it in alcohol. I wanted to num with alcohol so that I could move on with my life. I felt I was up against the clock! I needed someone to talk to, I was overwhelmed by feelings and emotions that I didn’t know how to identify and process. I was lost and tried to find myself!
Eventually, I began a whirlwind relationship with alcohol that turned into a turbulent, unhealthy, and painful affair. Things were bad more often than good.
No matter how bad things had become, I continued coming back to alcohol. Like any other bad relationship, I returned to it even though it was unhealthy and lopsided no matter the outcome – I loved alcohol more than alcohol loved me.
My life had become unmanageable and full of pain and destruction. The numbing anesthetic called alcohol had worn off and turned on me, and led to a deep dark pit of despair and depression. My depression even led to multiple suicide attempts. That’s how bad things had become. Then came a time for me to make a decision to live fully or not at all.
I chose to live!
My life felt a lot like this relationship between a kiwi and a nugget:
I was in crisis and needed to make a change, so I decided to say goodbye to alcohol because I found hope and value in myself when I decided to go to rehab and search for help there.
I decided to finally end things with alcohol and I wrote her this letter:
I remember when I first heard of you. There were good things and there were bad things. I heard you were fun to hangout with and easy to get to know. I also heard you could be a bitch at times. I heard mixed reviews. Later I would realize that you were even worse than what they said!
I was curious about you for many years and often wondered if we’d ever meet.
When I moved to Florida, I’d see you out a lot at parties after basketball games, at clubs and with mutual friends of ours.
Then we met and I wish we never did! You were cunning and bafalling. You were so fun at first. You caught my eye and my attention.
You were my love and you were there whenever I wanted you around. You were there when I was alone. You were there when I needed a shoulder. I relied on you over others. But you broke my heart. You turned on me! You deceived me like it was nothing at all to you. You made a fool out of me! I showed you love and you never told me that you loved me.
I love myself now! I look forward to life now. I can’t, no, I won’t move forward in life with you! Stop calling me and leaving messages trying to lure me back in.