I lied when I told you I was doing OK today.

When my alarm clock sounded this morning I jumped out of bed, eager to start the day and move forward with my life. I prayed, I took my anxiety medication, went for a walk, socialized with guys in my house, went to church, walked to the local coffee shop, meet w my sponsor, and then I blow up on him.

I forgot to breathe this morning. I tried to catch my breath before I stepped out of bed. I tried to do a deep personal inventory to get a better understanding of my feelings, mental state and my emotions. Before I knew it, the time was 12:30 and it was time to meet with my sponsor. 
I reached a point today where I didn’t want to play an additional role today. I’ve mastered a way of being noticed in a room full of people, just enough for them to know I’m there. I’ll carry on a conversation with them mostly about themselves, then I’ll fade away. I do this with almost everyone I know, it’s easy for me, it’s familiar, and it’s bad for my health. I don’t have it all figured out, no one thinks I do and I don’t pretend to. If they ask me how I’m really doing or how I truly feel, I won’t have much of a response because I don’t now the answers to those questions.

I’ve gone as deep as I know how to right now, when it comes to my emotions. Although I’m good at helping other people get to the root of their problems, I struggle to accomplish this for myself. 

I don’t know how to get much deeper than this, in terms of my emotions. Meeting with me is mostly a waste of my sponsors time. He will ask me to go deeper and say that’s not deep enough, I’ll get frustrated because I’m still searching for the right tools to use to go this deep. I’ve never felt this way before. I’ve never been this deep before and I know I need to go deeper into myself. I’ll start by restarting my 4th step.